I was pondering what I was going to write about today and I knew I wanted to do something on a "first" I had in life. Going through all of the possibilities I knew one of them had to stand out as a true dynamite first. First time seeing a naked girl at summer camp when I was 12, first time making out with a girl (Sears dressing room, Oakview Mall, 13 years old) both came to mind but I wanted to write about something that was more universal. A first that every dude in the world has at some point in his life. Then it hit me. I could see the room in my head, I could see what was in each of my hands, I could remember the panic, confusion and fear when I was done. I'm of course talking about the first time I jerked off.
Thinking back to my years as a young dude my big brother was always there to show me the ropes as they say. He was always there to give me brotherly advice on girls, being a dude, whatever I wanted. He wasn't feeding me genius shit or anything but when you're 10 and your big brother tells you something you tend to take it as gospel. Around 1999 / 2000 I was an up and coming goth / nu metal kid idolizing bands such as Korn and Powerman 5000 while at the same time being the pop punk kid I've always been listening to Blink 182 and MXPX religiously. I was a boy turning into a young man and with that comes some wild shit.
When I was 11 or so I started becoming curious about this dick in between my legs. I had heard kids at school talking about jerking off, getting pubes and all of that great stuff but I hadn't experienced anything like that yet. So one day I went home and went downstairs into my brothers room. Anytime I went in there I could guarantee a few things. First, Metallica was on the stereo, second he was in a bad mood and third he was flying high on whatever drug he got his hands on that day. Entering his lair was truly like a box of chocolates. I knew his temper and time were limited so I cut to the chase and asked him "Brett, what is jerking off and how do I do it." Back then my brother was always pretty good at snap back advice that was straight and to the point. He looked up from his bed, The Crow poster huge in the background and said "you pull on your dick until white shit comes out." Easy enough. I went into the bathroom and pulled on my little limp dick for the better part of 10 minutes before I gave up. After that I forgot about jerking off for a while.
Then middle school hit and like all of you boys know, so did the boners. Anywhere, anytime, any reason, no reason. I think I had a boner more than I didn't that first year of middle school. I didn't need anything to set my little dick into a frenzy. A glance at a girl, just the right amount of friction from my blue jeans and I was ready to go. Before you find out you can tug this thing and get it to go down you go through a solid amount of time where you're in pure pain every time you get a boner. Essentially the first few months of boners is just a series of blue balls day in and day out. Your dick is hard, you balls are sore and your hormones are all out of whack. There has to be a way to take care of this thing. I thought back to jerking off and knew it was time to go. I knew I needed some sort of visual stimulation but I'm 12 years old, my internet is slow as shit (aol dial up) and I have no money for magazines.
I had seen porn before. The first time ever was in 2nd grade when my neighbor from across the street Jason stayed over. I vividly remember a passionate CineMax style love scene on a tennis court. I knew to jerk off I needed to see a girl. Naked? In her bra? Fully clothed? So many questions. One night while I had the house to myself I was on the hunt. JC Penny catalog, Summer Sanders on Figure It Out, do I stay up and wait for Real Sex to come on? What to do? Then I see it...I see the thing that gets my little heart pumpin. A compilation of Southern rocks greatest hits... Goin South. The skin was tan, the hair was blonde, the lipstick was red and the boobs were big. What else could I look for on a Tuesday night?
As I'm sure happens to all young men af
ter a good 30 seconds of working at it a pearly white mess came out of me and nearly hit my ceiling. What the fuck just happend? I started freaking out. I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed my Austin 3:16 shirt next to my bed, cleaned myself up and stuffed the tshirt into the bottom of the laundry basket. After that it was time for some Leno, some Conan and then some sleep. In my mind I had finally become a man. Thank you Goin South girl. I owe a lot to you.
Thinking back to my years as a young dude my big brother was always there to show me the ropes as they say. He was always there to give me brotherly advice on girls, being a dude, whatever I wanted. He wasn't feeding me genius shit or anything but when you're 10 and your big brother tells you something you tend to take it as gospel. Around 1999 / 2000 I was an up and coming goth / nu metal kid idolizing bands such as Korn and Powerman 5000 while at the same time being the pop punk kid I've always been listening to Blink 182 and MXPX religiously. I was a boy turning into a young man and with that comes some wild shit.
When I was 11 or so I started becoming curious about this dick in between my legs. I had heard kids at school talking about jerking off, getting pubes and all of that great stuff but I hadn't experienced anything like that yet. So one day I went home and went downstairs into my brothers room. Anytime I went in there I could guarantee a few things. First, Metallica was on the stereo, second he was in a bad mood and third he was flying high on whatever drug he got his hands on that day. Entering his lair was truly like a box of chocolates. I knew his temper and time were limited so I cut to the chase and asked him "Brett, what is jerking off and how do I do it." Back then my brother was always pretty good at snap back advice that was straight and to the point. He looked up from his bed, The Crow poster huge in the background and said "you pull on your dick until white shit comes out." Easy enough. I went into the bathroom and pulled on my little limp dick for the better part of 10 minutes before I gave up. After that I forgot about jerking off for a while.
Then middle school hit and like all of you boys know, so did the boners. Anywhere, anytime, any reason, no reason. I think I had a boner more than I didn't that first year of middle school. I didn't need anything to set my little dick into a frenzy. A glance at a girl, just the right amount of friction from my blue jeans and I was ready to go. Before you find out you can tug this thing and get it to go down you go through a solid amount of time where you're in pure pain every time you get a boner. Essentially the first few months of boners is just a series of blue balls day in and day out. Your dick is hard, you balls are sore and your hormones are all out of whack. There has to be a way to take care of this thing. I thought back to jerking off and knew it was time to go. I knew I needed some sort of visual stimulation but I'm 12 years old, my internet is slow as shit (aol dial up) and I have no money for magazines.
I had seen porn before. The first time ever was in 2nd grade when my neighbor from across the street Jason stayed over. I vividly remember a passionate CineMax style love scene on a tennis court. I knew to jerk off I needed to see a girl. Naked? In her bra? Fully clothed? So many questions. One night while I had the house to myself I was on the hunt. JC Penny catalog, Summer Sanders on Figure It Out, do I stay up and wait for Real Sex to come on? What to do? Then I see it...I see the thing that gets my little heart pumpin. A compilation of Southern rocks greatest hits... Goin South. The skin was tan, the hair was blonde, the lipstick was red and the boobs were big. What else could I look for on a Tuesday night?
As I'm sure happens to all young men af
ter a good 30 seconds of working at it a pearly white mess came out of me and nearly hit my ceiling. What the fuck just happend? I started freaking out. I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed my Austin 3:16 shirt next to my bed, cleaned myself up and stuffed the tshirt into the bottom of the laundry basket. After that it was time for some Leno, some Conan and then some sleep. In my mind I had finally become a man. Thank you Goin South girl. I owe a lot to you.
1 comment:
why the fuck did i read that?!
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