Home

Adjusting back to life not on tour is always really weird for me. The first week or two I am back home just feels really foreign and I never feel like I belong. Then I get re adjusted and leave a few months later. But, when I got home this time I was thrown into the countdown to leave again. Everything feels surreal I guess would be the best way to describe it. All of this time at home feels like a dream or something. That's not really a positive or negative statement. It's just weird to get thrown back into the life I had before I left and it seems like I was never gone. Maybe tour feels like a dream and not my life here in Omaha? It's hard to tell anymore.

I've been going on tour regularly for the past 3 years and it's been great but I feel more and more disconnected from my friends and family every time I leave. It seems like the more I leave the more I turn into less of a friend or less of a son, brother, cousin, etc. It's probably my fault. I'm sure people see it as me leaving them. Maybe I'm just being selfish and I just expect a bigger welcome when I get home? The first few times I left and came back it was always a big deal now it's just what I do so no one really makes a fuss anymore? Maybe I just need to grow up and get over myself. I can't tell. I always have really wild thought patterns late at night.

I feel so far away from everyone I know. I'm becoming less and less social and I don't know why. I can feel it happening and it seems like I can't stop it. I feel like when I leave and come back I'm just toying with people and it seems like they're starting to feel the same way. I haven't gotten much sleep since I've been home. Going to bed late and waking up around 8:00am everyday, it's really starting to grind me down. I've felt so unproductive lately. Basically I need a vacation after my "vacation."

Tour is great, don't get me wrong. But it's no vacation. It's actual work. Waking up early, driving ridiculous distances everyday, loading and unloading, playing shows. It's a tiring thing to put yourself through everyday for a month. Then you get home and are tossed back into work and other responsibilities and people don't understand how you can be worn down. "You were just on vacation" they tell me, not knowing the amount of work I put into tour. It all starts months before I leave. Then I get home and just start booking another one. I can't stop, I love tour, I love punk rock music. I'll be doing this for years to come.